Pregnancy
Let’s be honest: when you imagined starting a family, you probably pictured you and your partner smiling lovingly at a baby, with their arrival bringing you closer together.
What you likely didn’t imagine is feeling resentful and frustrated because it seems like your partner isn’t doing their fair share. Or feeling distant from them because there just doesn’t seem to be enough time to connect between getting some sleep and taking care of the baby’s needs.
The truth is that these situations are extremely common. “Your bond with your partner will change a lot after the birth of your child,” says Alexis Haupt-Pullen, a clinical psychologist at Mediclinic Durbanville. “On the one hand, it can bring you closer. However, it will also bring new challenges and stresses that might affect your relationship negatively.”
It’s important to recognise the changes that will occur, Alexis says. “You’ll probably have lots of discussions about your plans once the baby arrives. Make sure these talks aren't just about decorating the nursery: discuss how things might change, what you’re worried about, and how you might handle these issues.” It’s also a good idea to talk about things that might not seem directly linked to your relationship but will impact it, like the change in your finances now you have another family member with significant needs and possibly adjusting your work hours.
Alexis explains that a common issue partners face after having a baby is feeling left out or distant. This is particularly true for the partner who isn’t the main caregiver, as they might feel that all the attention is on the baby, leaving them out. Meanwhile, the main caregiver might feel left out as well, seeing their partner go to work every day. They might feel envious of the social interaction their partner gets “out in the world” while their own day is filled with changing nappies, soothing a crying baby, and feeding.
You may also find that you argue about the division of labour: a mother who is getting up at night to feed every few hours might not feel she has the energy to do the chores that usually fall to her.
These new responsibilities add to the mental load experienced by both partners – especially since a lack of sleep is likely to make you both moodier and more impatient.
Like most relationship problems, the key to dealing with these challenges is communication. “It’s a good idea to discuss your expectations ahead of the birth,” Alexis suggests. “Be clear on the division of labour: if you’re getting up for feeds, do you expect your partner to do nappy changes, for example.”
It’s also normal for intimacy between partners to change after a baby. It can be difficult to think of your partner as a lover now that he’s a dad, and vice versa. You might also feel too tired, or your body might still be healing after childbirth. Frustration and resentment can often stand in the way too. Once again, Alexis stresses that the best solution is to speak up and share your concerns.
“You both need to be intentional about making time to connect,” she continues. “Of course, this is not going to be as easy as it once was, since the time you spent together as a default is now likely to be taken up with baby-related chores. That makes it even more important.”
If you’re struggling to find time, reach out to your network – ask a parent, friend, or caregiver to help for an hour or so. Don’t limit your idea of a “date” to what you used to do: if you’re too tired for dinner out, perhaps have breakfast together. If leaving your baby for a weekend seems too much, try booking just one night away instead.
Keep in mind that you can’t connect with your partner if you’re not taking care of yourself. The saying “you can't pour from an empty cup” is particularly true when you’re giving more of yourself to more people. So, make sure to take time for yourself and do something you enjoy.