Mental Health

Talking openly and honestly is key to helping both you and your child cope when you or your partner is facing mental health challenges.

Parenting is hard, and it can feel even tougher when you or your partner are dealing with a mental health condition like depression, bipolar disorder, or anxiety.

This situation is more common than you may think. Accurate South African statistics are not available, as mental health conditions are often underdiagnosed due to stigma and limited access to mental healthcare services, especially in rural areas. However, research in Australia shows that about one in five young people has a parent with a mental health problem.

“I remember my father as a brilliant but emotionally absent man,” says Lisa, a 47-year-old single mother of twins. “He never attended any school functions or family celebrations, spent most of his free time alone in his study, and always ate separately from us.” With hindsight, Lisa believes her father was struggling with undiagnosed depression. “He would self-soothe with alcohol, which made him even more distant and unavailable. I believe that is one of the reasons I battle with sustaining adult relationships.”

Nurture yourself and your children

Parents dealing with mental health problems sometimes parent in ways that can hurt their child’s behaviour, confidence, and success at school, says Pebetse Matabane-Monama, a clinical psychologist at Mediclinic Legae Mental Health Services.

But with the right support and good communication, you can take care of your children and yourself at the same time.

“Parents who manage their mental health issues are better able to model positive behaviours for their children, including stress management and coping mechanisms,” explains Matabane-Monama. “They’re also more equipped to provide a stable and nurturing environment.”

Children are very aware and will notice when your mood or behaviour changes, even if you try to hide it, she adds. They might feel confused about changes in their routine or guilty because they think they should be able to “fix” things. They can also feel angry about how your illness affects the family or scared about what might happen if you don’t get better.

If these feelings aren’t acknowledged and discussed, children might blame themselves and feel like they aren’t loved.

Matabane-Monama says it’s important to speak effectively and appropriately with your child. “Children develop deeper emotional intelligence when exposed to honest conversations. When done with care and consideration, you’re teaching valuable life lessons about the value of self-care, building resilience, and asking for support when needed.”

How to communicate with your child

If you experience your illness in episodes, as with bipolar mood disorder, depression, or schizophrenia, explain to your child that even though you’re doing everything you can to help yourself get better, sometimes the illness affects your mood and your behaviour.

“When you’ve had a particularly bad day, and have shouted at them, ignored them, or scared them with erratic behaviour, apologise as soon as you’re able,” Matabane-Monama says.

“Explaining your condition will not be a once-off conversation, especially because your symptoms can change, even though your family might expect them to stay the same,” she adds. So, it’s important to think of it as an ongoing conversation that may last throughout most of your child’s life.

When talking about your mental health challenges, use terms your child can understand. For example, “Just like our bodies get sick, our minds can get sick too. Sometimes my brain makes me feel very sad or worried. Other days, I get over-excited and make bad decisions. When I feel like that, I need to see my doctor and get the right treatment to help me get better.”

Try to answer your child’s questions honestly. If needed, your psychologist can include them in a family session to help explain your illness. Talking openly can also help you avoid unhealthy ways of coping, like using drugs or alcohol, says Matabane-Monama.

Establish routines and seek support

Help your child understand that your mood changes or behaviour are part of your condition – not because you don’t love them or want to be around them. Make sure they know it’s not their job to cheer you up or make you feel better. Also, try not to give them too many responsibilities that are inappropriate for their age.

“Predictable daily routines help children feel safe when other aspects of family life may be less stable,” Matabane-Monama says. “When necessary, reach out to other trusted adults – relatives, family friends, teachers, or support group members, who can step in to give your child an extra source of stability.”

Take your mental health seriously and stay consistent. Go to therapy, join a support group, take your medication as prescribed, and do things that help you feel good. When you can, share these calming activities with your child.

“Getting help to manage your mental health doesn’t mean you’re weak, or a bad parent,” says Matabane-Monama. “It shows strength, commitment, and a deep care for your family’s wellbeing.”

If you struggle with mental health issues, find help and support at www.mediclinic.co.za